


You Don't Know

by zyaku



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Contrary to popular belief, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance, ushiwaka has feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8410903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zyaku/pseuds/zyaku
Summary: Maybe it was in the way everything fell into place so naturally that it seemed this right to be holding the other man’s hands between his own, feeling a well-known warmth against his cold skin full of scars from the old times, when victory meant everything for both of them and sacrifices were nothing more than the minutiae needed in order to grow.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beatboxbmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatboxbmo/gifts).



> This work was inspired by the song 'Love in the Ice' by Tohoshinki

Maybe it was in the way everything fell into place so naturally that it seemed this right to be holding the other man’s hands between his own, feeling a well-known warmth against his cold skin full of scars from the old times, when victory meant everything for both of them and sacrifices were nothing more than the minutiae needed in order to grow.

 

_ To grow _ , to become better, to improve. Wakatoshi was awfully aware of the importance of these things in the past. Being his one and only goal to succeed, he sacrificed everything in order to become strong, to be capable, to have everything he always wanted, until he finally got it and was left with nothing afterwards.

 

Those distant lonely days when it was impossible to find a reason as for why all that meant so much to him, it just did. He found encouragement on other people’s motivation, and felt fairly positive about competing with them to prove them wrong. 

 

Because he worked harder than anyone else, because he sacrificed more things than anyone, because he managed to train himself into an efficient human being far above the ones on his level, relying on his efforts and not on baseless self-confidence, because he  _ knew  _ there wasn’t anyone who wished for this harder than him.

 

Except there was. 

 

A person more capable than Wakatoshi in almost every aspect, a hard-working man who knew well how he felt, and still managed to get more things out of it than him; a person which skills and abilities had improved almost to the point of perfection; but that still decided to choose heart over thought. The infamous former setter and captain of Aoba Johsai volleyball team, Oikawa Tooru. 

 

From the start, their relationship had seemed full of hate and rivalry, awkward encounters and bitter commentaries coming from the setter. It never bothered him to receive such things from anyone and much less from from Oikawa since his actions were more truthful than his words; and Oikawa’s behaviour was as faithful to his character as no one, his words would push Wakatoshi away, but his actions would drag him closer. Oikawa wasn’t a bad person, despite wanting to be portrayed as one. And, little by little, that captivated him.

 

Wakatoshi felt nothing but admiration towards Oikawa, it had been that way ever since he saw him play for the first time back in middle school. He put his heart to every single play and consciously, but brazenly, he made his way to a vast self-development. Oikawa abandoned everything, just like Wakatoshi did, yet managed to keep that one thing that Wakatoshi considered lost in himself; the worthless pride that kept one’s motivation to the end. Wakatoshi considered that to be Oikawa’s only fault, and decided to make his goal to prove him wrong.

 

“What are you afraid of?” Oikawa used to ask him when they confronted each other “Are you so scared of failing that you won’t even try to follow your gut instead of your brain?” Wakatoshi would listen to him talk in that eccentric tone that always managed to get on his nerves “Just try and live for yourself for once, Ushijima”. Oikawa had always been full of him himself with these words, words that used to rile Wakatoshi up and even make him hesitate about his own decisions. Nevertheless, he was confident on himself, and stepped up to his own word even then.

 

The best feeling came after the last match between Karasuno and Seijou, the one that costed them not to go to Nationals, and the last time he was going to be able to prove that in fact, his decision to forget about banal things like feelings was worth it, and that his team had become the strongest because of said sacrifices. But what he was surprised with was anger, desperation and a bold Oikawa Tooru not going back on his word or regretting anything.  _ ‘Because you lost. You followed your heart and you lost.’  _

 

“Don’t you ever forget about my worthless pride” were the words that he kept with him for a long time, words than made him realize that from there on he was fighting on his own. 

 

If Oikawa didn’t want to realize his mistakes then he wouldn’t regret his own. He wouldn’t regret ever being able to tell him just how jealous he once was of him, of how much he admired him for being able to make his own decisions, despite the outcome. He was not going to admit that he once had wished to be part of a team instead on a group of strong players. 

 

And, above all, he was not going to admit having lost to Oikawa’s impossible ideals, nor losing something greater than that, Oikawa himself as who once had been his best and only rival.

 

But, as time went by and those situations were slowly erased from history, what remained was just him. After graduation, after entering college, and even when he started playing professionally, there was nothing but him. Wakatoshi learnt then that as high as you climb, is as strong as you fall.

 

It hitted him one day after playing his last professional match, that all what kept him going was gone, that all his attempts for self-improvement, all the happy cheers from people supporting him, all the outrageous sobs after a lost, all his rivalry, all the times he proved people wrong, all this  _ worthless pride  _ he once adored had now disappeared. Everything that remained then was baseless competition.

 

Loneliness was the first emotion he remembered after all those years past high school, loneliness and the unbeatable feeling of something missing.

 

And then he escaped, he gave up on what once was his only dream and went back to Miyagi one day at the end of Summer. He joined a well-known university there, to start all over again. It took him a while to adapt to all the new things and responsibilities relied on him, but he didn’t hesitate and stood by his word, until that fateful day arrived in which he managed to pull himself together and join his college’s volleyball team.

 

“My name is Ushijima Wakatoshi, back in highschool I used to play volleyball in Shiratorizawa and I recently dropped of the Japan men’s national volleyball team to join this University. I hope we can get along.” were the words pronounced before bowing to his upper-teammates. In front of him, the team captain grinned and made a confident pose before placing his hand on Wakatoshi’s head and mess up his hair.

 

“Welcome back” a familiar voice greeted him.

 

It was like ice slowly starting to thaw, it felt warm and sometimes overwhelming. He learnt little by little about this unknown side of his new team captain Oikawa Tooru, that he had never seen before; the trustworthy and kind face of a leader he never expected to follow. He watched his teammates rely on him all the time, but also get along with every other aspect of him and support Oikawa aswell if needed.

 

This reality was odd to Wakatoshi, he felt for the first time in a long while, new to this kind of volleyball; new to this kind of team and new to this kind of partnership, in which he was not only playing along people, but along his friends.

 

Oikawa had told him many times to lose himself and trust others, and eventually Wakatoshi managed to do it, going against what he once thought to be nothing but worthless. The reunion between the two of them had been natural and full of confidence, it was as if Oikawa had known the whole time he was going to come back eventually and Wakatoshi just had come back from a long trip to greet him with a casual “I’m home”.

 

Looking for what he was missing, Wakatoshi found something absolutely new and became fond of it in a very short time; it felt like he was given a second chance, in which he managed to play along with the person he had admired for so long.

 

About three months later it came to the day they managed to win the Intercollegiate Volleyball Championship with nothing but a perfect toss, a perfect spike and a strong team. He realized given up on his former dream had been all for the best. It was back, what he once thought to be lost forever was finally back.

 

Soon enough there was not only that regained motivation but something more, a mysterious and deeply intriguing feeling to him; something like a dim light starting to make everyday seem a little more bright, a little more exciting, a little more worth living. 

 

He would gladly join practice after class if his academic achievements were not lacking. He would even get help from people on his team that were in the same major starting to slowly warm up to this unknown expressions of friendship. That dim, but persistent light had managed to lead him to what he didn’t know he needed.

 

And, a normal evening after practicing, Wakatoshi realized that light was, and had always been Oikawa.

 

But not everything was good to his eyes, as gradually things that used to be normal started to hurt. Oikawa had always been a social person, his charisma would drag people to him and he always felt fond of said attention. Oikawa would always be surrounded by people, most of them being girls who admired him to the point of calling themselves his fans. Wakatoshi knew how things worked but didn’t get to understand why it was bothering him so suddenly.

He had been admiring Oikawa aswell for a long time, but it suddenly felt odd that the other man’s attention would not go towards him.

 

As time passed, little things that bothered him increased in number. He had never been a jealous person, but somehow now it felt almost like he not only wanted Oikawa to be part of his life again, but he also wanted himself to be part of Oikawa’s life. 

 

Oikawa had started opening up to Wakatoshi over the time, which made him familiar with how he felt about relationships in general.  _ Being part of many _ , Oikawa had just lost hope in finding someone who would make him feel like he was doing the right thing for once.

 

_ ‘If it was me… _ ’ Sooner than later Wakatoshi had thought about it and things suddenly started making more sense. But, as clear as they became was as bad as it hurted. 

 

It hurt because it wasn’t him, because it would never be him anymore who would catch Oikawa’s attention, for the good or the bad. But he couldn’t allow himself to feel that way, not after finally recovering what was so precious to him.

 

And as much as it hurted he tried his best to push those feelings away for the sake of protecting the present. It sounded like a good plan to him, except for one thing: He wasn’t anything like he was before, now he was  _ vulnerable _ , and more aware than ever that jealousy was nothing easy to handle. 

 

Oikawa was friends with every team member, he was friends with the managers and the couch, he was friends with the people that came to cheer for them every once in awhile. He was in this whole new world Wakatoshi was not part of.

 

Closing the gym after practice, he left the keys in the entrance's office and walked home by himself, wondering just how long would it take to get there on foot. Everyone else had left for a celebratory gathering after their last match, but he decided to keep practicing instead, moved mostly by the idea of avoiding the sight of Oikawa or anyone in such environment . 

 

He was not one to speak clearly about his feelings, or even consider doing something about it, so he decided to ignore said factor and focus on what was important to him at the moment: being a good teammate, gaining people’s trust and improving at volleyball along with the rest. Walking alone would clear his mind, that much that it didn't even bothered him when little drops started falling on his cheeks, he had forgot to check the weather for that day, and missed the announcement of rain.

 

“Oh my god, Ushijima, are you ok?!” A well-known voice called out to him and he was rapidly met by two hands on his cheeks, and thumbs softly drying away the drops. When he raised his head, he realized there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky.

 

And, as he looked at Oikawa he saw a ray of light, brighter than ever, swooping down into the darkness. He felt his hands burn on his cheeks, with a characteristic warmth as solid as ever. “What happened? Are you hurt?” he heard once again, and couldn't agree more.

 

That night Oikawa had come back to check on Wakatoshi, he explained that he saw him acting weird during last practices and got worried, Wakatoshi then realized there was nothing that he could do to hide it, and he honestly didn’t want to do it anymore. He felt sad and lonely, like he suddenly didn’t belong anywhere, all because of that damn feeling crawling from inside that wouldn't give him a rest. 

 

Oikawa listened to every single word he had to say and quickly started to argue back to it, being as eccentric as always about it. Of course Oikawa would argue with him, there wasn’t anything new to that. “I know it’s hard… You’ve been fighting by yourself since we were kids, right? But it’s not like that anymore, you’re one of us now, you’re one of the team and everyone respects you and appreciates you for that; not for being UshiWaka, the volleyball sensation; but because you are friends, because you care for them, and they care for you too. This is where you belong now, Ushijima”

 

“I’m scared” he had said once, trying his best to hide what had been bothering him for so long and failing miserably  “Of going back...”

 

Oikawa had just laugh at the idea and patted his shoulder in a gentle way “Don’t worry about that, even if that ever happens, I’ll protect you this time” 

 

And as time came by, Wakatoshi was able to live of these words, of this promises Oikawa had made him, as part of what their friendship meant to him, as part of how much they had cherished said relationship, despite being as hurtful to him as it was beautiful.

 

_ ‘This is love, isn’t it?’ _ , was the thought that made him more afraid than ever. 

 

Because he knew how important Oikawa had become to him, because he was sure there wasn’t anyone else he ever felt that way about before, because he would feed on nice small things the other man would tell him when they were alone, or even when he wasn’t at his best, because Oikawa was that meaningful to his life is why he could call it love, it was why he  _ knew _ it was love.

 

As a man of his word, he promised himself to safeguard what they had and keep said love hidden, like a silent pact, in order not to disturb their relationship. And, if Wakatoshi had to be content with watching him from afar in order to do that, then so be it. 

 

But life has many twists and turns, and what felt like an endless waiting for something that will never come, turned out to be the beginning of this fascinating new path.

 

It happened one day going back home. Oikawa had been in a really good mood all day, and Wakatoshi thought it might had to do with the next match, but somehow it felt like there was something else.

 

“Do you remember back in highschool...” Oikawa had started saying while they crossed the bridge that went to the outside of the city “When I always yelled at you because I thought you were some sort of cocky bastard that believed he was invincible just because he had power…” despite his words he spoke in a soft voice, sounding almost embarrassed about it “I was… Really jealous back then.” these words surprised him, but he remained silent and let the other man speak.

 

“... I wasn’t born with any particular talent nor strength on my own, so being able to achieve something higher than average was nearly impossible for me, but I did it. No matter how many times I failed, I kept trying and I made it… Then you came along, and damn it, you were both talented and hard-working, so I became jealous, I turned into  _ that _ kind of person who would compete in every aspect of life with their rivals, with you more than anyone. I wanted to prove that you were weak too so I kept attacking you, but you were never mean to me the way I was to you… You were a composed person even back then, so I ended up thinking you were those ‘perfect’ kind of person and it annoyed me so much.” he confessed with a small laugh.

 

There was a silence in which Wakatoshi gathered up his courage and managed to reply “When it came to an end, I realized I wasn’t nearly as strong as you were, I couldn’t prove you wrong, but... I understood that I didn’t even want to in the first place. I just wanted to keep competing with you for as long as possible and meet once again in a match.”

 

Oikawa expression changed, and he looked away to some arbitrary point in the distance “But you suddenly became this unreachable person and just disappeared…. I thought I would never see you again if it wasn’t on tv in an official match or something.” He stopped walking and turned to face Wakatoshi “But you came back...” Oikawa cleared his throat and looked at him, he then stopped walking “Why did you come back?”

 

The sunset was just beginning to set when Wakatoshi heard said question, and memories of that time remained in vibrant shades of orange and red. “I was looking for something…  _ Someone _ I lost in the way”

 

“I see…” Oikawa smiled “I figured that much, you know? I thought ‘Ushijima looks so happy all the time now, he probably found a special person or something and came back for them’, so I was right?... ’”

 

Wakatoshi nodded. Oikawa just silently laughed and then sighed.

 

“I know it doesn’t make sense to tell you this now and I’m sorry, but I have to let this go so I can finally live without regrets…” the other man’s words became softer and clearer “You know… Back then, and ever since I’ve seen you like this, I thought: ‘ _ If that person was me… I would give my everything to make him this happy too _ ’... Isn’t it-”

 

Wakatoshi learnt that day that being loved by someone was nothing like what he could have ever imagined in the past, but better. And the promise he made of keeping this as a secret was silently broken by one stolen kiss.

 

After that, things that were or were not likely to happen didn’t matter anymore, as time went by, he realized everything in his life somehow came to fall into place one way or another; that in the end, he was always meant to be there, at that moment, in that place, all along. 

 

And from there on, every time he held Oikawa’s hands between his, he wondered  _ ‘Do you know just how much you mean to me?’ _

 


End file.
